Do you ever have those moments where you feel like your heart just might burst from joy? Well I had one today at about 4:00 am this morning, my little girl awoke, teething, hungry and needing some love. As I went over to her to pick her up she squealed with delight. A big smile despite her discomfort and arms outstretched ready to be picked up. As I nursed her, applied clove oil to her teeth and went to lay her back down I was struck with just one word--- BLESSED. I laid back down trying to get back to sleep, but sleep didn't come. Nate was curled up in the covers breathing deeply and peacefully. "Thank you Lord for these two. What a gift you have given me." I put my hand on Bree's tummy and felt her breathing, her full tummy rising and falling with each breath. I thanked the Lord for her lungs, her heart, her brain and her spirit! She is a fighter, and I know that God has such a special plan for her life, how blessed am I to get a front row seat and see it all unfold-- Blessed!
Nate and I haven't had the easiest beginning, and neither has Bree; but God has been with us and intimately involved in every part of it. He was there with our moves, He was there with countless burned dinners, and all of my insecurities as I entered into being a wife. He was there with disagreements as Nate and I tried to figure out how to mesh. He was there as we prayed over our little baby's life not knowing what the future would hold. He is here as we fall and fail, and get back up again. He is here as we learn to be parents, He is here as we mesh as a family, He is here as I fall in love with Nate time after time, He is here as Bree learns to crawl, He is here in her squeals, He is here in messy imperfect everyday life.
While in the NICU we had different nurses, friends and family ask if we would ever want to have more children after this experience. My first response was No. No way did I want to go through all of that again! It's painful and hard- it hurts! But here we are on the other side of the story, and I emphatically say, YES! No, I haven't forgotten the trial, or idealized the pain making it seem beautiful- it truly was a hard, but I still say YES! Yes, I am willing to do it all again- to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my Lord, because this what reveals my weakness and HIS strength. If God chooses to bless us with more children, born early, or right on time, it will be in his hands- and it will be a blessing.
Fear stops us from loving, and being loved. Fear stops us from reaching out again, and trying once more. Fear is what made me sharply reply that I didn't want kids for decades, and fear is what insecurities are made of. But fear is also the place that we can be reached the most intimately. Fear is the place that God can take a hurting heart and make it whole. 1 John 4: 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. I want to be perfected in love, and that means that I must allow God to lead me in the scary, dark unknown corners of my heart and allow Him to cover them in love. I must let go of control and just be loved by Him.
What are you afraid of? And are you willing to let God take your fears and turn them into blessings? Are you ready to just be loved?
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