Two of My Babies are with Jesus and Other Things We Don't Say

Matthew 18:14 So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. 

Today is very near and dear to my heart as it is infant and pregnancy loss awareness day.So I thought I'd share our story.  I remember seeing those two pink lines on the test, my heart was pounding---- we were pregnant! Holy cow! Everything was going to change--- everything! Just about the time that we got used to the idea of having a baby and the anticipation grew, we lost our little peanut. In the course of our marriage we have lost two babies in the first trimester. I often chucked it up to, "it wasn't meant to be," or the logical "there is a chromosomal defect," "50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage." These are all phrases and sayings that people use to make it seem better, these are even phrases that I am ashamed to say I have used to "comfort" moms. On a routine physical after  getting my blood level tested the results came back saying that my hormones were too low to carry a child, or even become pregnant. Nate and I began to pray, we weren't necessarily ready in the traditional sense to start a family, however, we knew that we wanted a family at some point- one month later we were pregnant with our precious Bree!

Eight weeks into my pregnancy with Bree the cramping and bleeding began, I wept on the bathroom floor knowing that we were going to lose another one. Nate held me as tears rolled down his cheeks, and we decided to go to the E.R since the bleeding was so heavy. Nate put his hand on my belly and prayed for our peanut as I laid on the hospital bed. A few minutes later an ultrasound tech wheeled me alone into the ultrasound room to see if there was a heartbeat, the first go around there was nothing. I had never seen anything look so dark an empty as my womb did that day.  I asked the tech to try again, she allowed it, but said that she couldn't tell me anything. I held my breath thinking that I was so silly for asking for another look.  The second check showed a tiny little bean of a baby with a heart beating like a horse way up in the corner! She shut off the screen, and wheeled me back without saying a peep. (I would seriously hate her job... I could not keep that a secret!)  But I knew what I had seen, and I knew that God was holding our baby. The doctor came back a few minutes later and told us that there was a heartbeat, but that we would probably lose the baby within the next few  days. Thankfully God had a different plan!

In the NICU we heard of two babies passing away, the alarms buzzing and all of the staff running to the room trying to save this little life.  There probably isn't anything more horrific than losing your child. I honestly can't imagine what those parents have gone through. But what if there is more that we are to hang onto? In the course of this pregnancy, God has shown me something very encouraging. He didn't take my babies! He doesn't want babies to die, he doesn't give us a baby and then take it away as some cruel joke. I often tried to reason with myself, God doesn't think I'm ready to be a mom, or this just isn't the right timing. With the first miscarriage we didn't really share with anyone that we were pregnant, let alone that we miscarried. With the second loss dear friends of ours loved us through it.   Loss can be such an isolating process, can't it? It's hard for others to understand, relate or meet you where you're at. And especially with pregnancy, women are told its safer to wait to announce the pregnancy till at least 12 weeks, thus, separating and isolating moms even more.

 So yes,  today is a day of remembrance, one that we should have compassion and kindness for those moms around us struggling with fertility, loss etc. However, I want to give you moms a bit of encouragement--- no matter what nothing is impossible with God! I wish I had all the answers for why babies die, or why God allows women to miscarry time and time again, but one thing I know is that nothing is impossible with God.... and God has plan for your family and your legacy! Children are such a gift and blessing, one that God wants you to be part of! Don't lose heart!

Psalm 34: 18-19 The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Matthew 18:14 So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish

Exodus 23:26 None shall miscarry or be barren in your land, I will fulfill the number of your days

Jeremiah 1:4-5 Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."


Take heart dear moms, whether you are wanting a baby, have experienced a loss, or are even overwhelmed by the babies that you have, Children are a gift! You are not alone, and you are not the impossible case! Watch the video for more encouragement! May you be blessed today!

Blessings: Being Loved in the Face of Fear

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like your heart just might burst from joy? Well I had one today at about 4:00 am this morning, my little girl awoke, teething, hungry and needing some love. As I went over to her to pick her up she squealed with delight. A big smile despite her discomfort and arms outstretched ready to be picked up. As I nursed her, applied clove oil to her teeth and went to lay her back down I was struck with just one word--- BLESSED. 



I laid back down trying to get back to sleep, but sleep didn't come. Nate was curled up in the covers breathing deeply and peacefully. "Thank you Lord for these two. What a gift you have given me." I put my hand on Bree's tummy and felt her breathing, her full tummy rising and falling with each breath. I thanked the Lord for her lungs, her heart, her brain and her spirit! She is a fighter, and I know that God has such a special plan for her life, how blessed am I to get a front row seat and see it all unfold-- Blessed! 

Nate and I haven't had the easiest beginning, and neither has Bree; but God has been with us and intimately involved in every part of it. He was there with our moves, He was there with countless burned dinners, and all of my insecurities as I entered into being a wife. He was there with disagreements as Nate and I tried to figure out how to mesh. He was there as we prayed over our little baby's life not knowing what the future would hold. He is here as we fall and fail, and get back up again. He is here as we learn to be parents, He is here as we mesh as a family, He is here as I fall in love with Nate time after time, He is here as Bree learns to crawl, He is here in her squeals, He is here in messy imperfect everyday life. 

While in the NICU we had different nurses, friends and family ask if we would ever want to have more children after this experience. My first response was No. No way did I want to go through all of that again! It's painful and hard- it hurts! But here we are on the other side of the story, and I emphatically say, YES! No, I haven't forgotten the trial, or idealized the pain making it seem beautiful- it truly was a hard, but I still say YES! Yes, I am willing to do it all again- to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my Lord, because this what reveals my weakness and HIS strength. If God chooses to bless us with more children, born early, or right on time, it will be in his hands- and it will be a blessing. 

Fear stops us from loving, and being loved. Fear stops us from reaching out again, and trying once more. Fear is what made me sharply reply that I didn't want kids for decades, and fear is what insecurities are made of. But fear is also the place that we can be reached the most intimately. Fear is the place that God can take a hurting heart and make it whole. 1 John 4: 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. I want to be perfected in love, and that means that I must allow God to lead me in the scary, dark unknown corners of my heart and allow Him to cover them in love. I must let go of control and just be loved by Him. 

What are you afraid of? And are you willing to let God take your fears and turn them into blessings? Are you ready to just be loved?

Daddy's Girl

Her eyes light up every time she sees him. It seems her heart is bursting outside of her chest and the inevitable squeals come forth, arms outstretched ready to be grabbed up! These are pretty common occurrences in our house, but every time it happens I am struck by how much Bree loves her daddy. He is full of wonder and is ready to explore the world with her. The three of us love hiking and being in nature, but daddy and daughter have formed a special bond outdoors. Bree cranes her neck to look up at the massive trees and is in awe of their height, their beauty, color and the sound of birds perched on top. She always cranes her neck really far, fully trusting that her Daddy has got her (and he does!).

A daddy/daughter relationship is such a precious relationship. A Dad is the first man to tell her she's beautiful, to fully accept her, and to be an example of what a Godly man is. It is a role that comes with a lot of responsibility, and honor. As a woman, once a girl, I can tell you first hand that my Dad's opinion and heart matter so much to me, even still today. I remember going to the San Diego Zoo with my Dad and watching the monkeys, he would say silly things pretending to know what they were thinking, and I would eat up every word. As I got older I shared my struggles, joys, and ambitions with my Dad. He stayed up way too many nights with me helping with homework, wiping my tears, and hearing my heart. My Dad has become a friend now, he shares his heart with me, and I share mine.
 

No Dad will ever be perfect. In fact, some father/daughter relationships may be full of fear, anger, and lacking of love- but there is good news! God is the ultimate father, and he is NOTHING like earthly fathers (even the best ones). He is always faithful, he is always loving, he is always true. It is a funny thing how family relationships shape our view of God. My family relationships have shaped my view of God for the better and for the worse. I am so thankful for the word of God that is true to set my perspective again and I love having Bree around to show me what trust in my heavenly father should look like. Arms wide open, squealing with delight- ready to be embraced--- for this is HIS heart for you!

For this is what the Lord says:

“I will extend peace to her like a river,

    and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream;

you will nurse and be carried on her arm

    and dandled on her knees.

 

As a mother comforts her child,

    so will I comfort you;

    and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.” Isa 66:12-13

 

So let today's words be an encouragement! Fathers, love your children, strive to be the image of Christ to your family. And for the rest of us, let the word of God change,shape and heal our perspective of God the Father. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Playing Opposites: Halo 4

Nate and I are as opposite as it comes. When we were first dating this was exciting, new and very cool. I have always loved meeting people that were different then me, learning about them and all of new things that they do. However, there comes a point, where this "coolness" wears off, and things become.... frustrating! If he wanted something, I would hate it, and vice- versa. As we came to the point where we were talking marriage, I was so stressed out about our differences and wondered if this could really work out! We read books, did personality style tests, and discussed what it would mean. The stats didn't look good, as an ENFP, my personality has the highest divorce rate in America and when an ENFP marries an ISTJ they almost always end in divorce. I wrestled over the stats, and had way too many talks with Nate about our prospects.

Fast forward a few years, happily married, we have experienced some of the most stressful things that a person can in life, family struggles, family members dying, moving away (twice!), having a preemie, and being ridiculously poor! We have experienced the everyday, mundane, paying bills, work, and grocery shopping. We have had our fair share of fights, disagreements, and some of the most amazing times all rolled into just a few years. There is no one that I would rather do life with, everyday life with, whether boring or adventurous!
One thing that has helped our opposite hobbies and personalities to connect is that we share in each other's interests! I'm sure that Nate would never have imagined waking up to a woman that is ready to talk the moment her eyes opened, rattling off birth facts, and breastfeeding tips. And well, I never imagined spending our lives committed to camping, and adventure, waking up to a man that is ready to hike Mt. Everest just about everyday of the week.

 Nate's friend came to stay with us for a weekend a few weeks ago, he left us his Xbox to borrow for a bit. I never grew up with brothers, and never played video games, but I decided that it was time to learn- so I started up Halo 4! The controller vibrated, and I began shooting like a crazy woman, missing most of my targets and squealing a lot. I don't know why, but it's soo stressful having big, huge, aliens smash your face in. And why do they always keep shooting at you after your dead-- I mean c'mon that's just rude!

 Anyway, my dear husband and I have been playing video games until way past our bedtime of late. And I am happy to say that I have gotten much better! We are having so much fun teaming up together and kicking some major butt! If there is one thing that we do well together, it is work together! It's so fun to see him just laugh and be silly, take a break from the stresses of life, and enjoy something for a minute.

Likewise, Nate does my hobbies with me as well. This past Saturday, as I was getting ready to do some yoga, Nate wanted to join in! I love doing yoga with Nate, he is so gracious to do yoga with me, since he really isn't the yoga type- but he does it! He has studied the positions, and gotten a lot better with each practice. It's so fun to have some unwind time doing an activity I love to do (that doesn't involve huge aliens!).

Yoga and video games may seem silly, but in our marriage these things have gone a long way- what activity is your significant other into and how can you get involved? It may be more fun than you think!

And if you haven't done a Myers Briggs Personality Test, I highly recommend it. It will give you great insight to yourself, relationships and how to get along with others! But don't take it too seriously, or you may miss out on your happily ever after with your "wrong fit," ----you're bigger than a statistic!
Myers Briggs Personality Test
Personalities Explained

To Say 'I Do'

When Nate and I got married, despite premarital counseling and reading way too many books, I still had unrealistic expectations of what our marriage would look like. Our life has not been at all like I imagined- and for that I am so thankful! In one of the many premarital books we read, the quote "don't make the other person the issue, fight the issue together," has stuck out to me on numerous occassions. How many times have I been angry over petty problems and blamed them on my husband, just wanting to put the blame somewhere?

There are so many other factors that come into play in a relationship, job changes, moving, children etc. Often times we get caught up in the circumstance that is happening. Our marriage will be better if we have a baby, or our marriage will suffer if we have a baby. Our marriage will be better if there wasn't any stress. We'll be happier, and more in love if we have money to go on that cruise. I just need a different job and then our marriage will be happier, it's time we move and get a dream house... that'll fix our problems.

Unfortunately, that line of thinking leads to a very difficult road, one that I have traveled too many times. Growing up, we lived in a very small house and when we finally moved I had convinced myself that this bigger house was the solution to our dysfunction... it wasn't. Years later I got married and that unhealthy thinking followed me down the aisle, unbeknownst to me. You see when I said 'I do' forever, what I really meant was, I do if you'll make me happy, I do if I get my way, I do only when things are wonderful. Now, I would never have said that out loud, and to be honest, I did wholeheartedly believe that I meant those things, only what I didn't know was that I couldn't. I'm human you see--- that's the problem or maybe, that's what makes all of this so beautiful!

Nate and I haven't had a smooth sailing beginning, in fact, just about every six months "life has happened." In the first six months of our marriage I was dumbfounded that we could experience so much stress, wasn't marriage about bliss, and being in love--- why was there so much stress? This was my first wake up call. As our lives have unfolded I have seen my husband at his best and at his worst, he too has seen me at my best and at my worst. This is real life-- real marriage.

No matter how much I love Nate, I can never love him like God can-  He is the only one that can hold the two of us together. We are going to change physically, emotionally, spiritually and that means that we may not like everything about that process- but God's grace contains all of the depth needed for this transformation.

And so my heart has set upon diving into God's grace, and finding His heart for my husband. Someone once told me that when you marry someone, you are proclaiming that you believe so much in the calling that God has on their life that you are willing to risk everything to see it to fruition. This is where the love runs deep. Nate has an incredible calling on his life, and I don't want to miss a second of that. I love watching him work with kids and take people on adventures, showing people God's love through creation. My heart skips a beat when he prays for us.

This is the glue.

And a lot like glue, life gets messy. It's going through the mess together that makes the difference.

Our view of the messiness of life can either make or break our relationship. The perspective that I had always heard and adopted  in my own marriage, was that marriage was to make you holy and that you grit and bear it for commitments sake. However, I found that this often detracts from becoming holy and enjoying our spouse. A dear friend recently told me that often this line of thinking spoils it for those thinking about getting married- or those in a marriage. The messiness is meant to be enjoyed, it's meant to be awkward and new-- experienced together!

So take heart, if you are about to get married, or if you are married. It's not meant to be perfect, and it's going to be messy- but that's when it starts to get good! Enjoy your spouse today, imperfections and all, and lean into His grace for your family!