Letting Go

I'm not sure about you, but I don't want to let go.I'm not one of those people that has to have "stuff." I really could  do without most modern comforts. I wouldn't mind giving up my dishes, or my television, I would be just fine without a couch, or our dinning room table, I wouldn't even mind giving up my car- but there's something besides all that, that fills my condo, that I struggle giving up--- my family!

When I found out that Nate and I were pregnant this bond between all three of us formed, so strong, so intense, that I knew I had to let it go. I prayed so many times that God would prepare me for motherhood, that he would guide me in the way that I should go. All I kept hearing was Let go.

How do you let go of people that are entrusted to you? Do you give up caring? Give up wanting? The answer became  clearer when I was on bed rest waiting for our sweet Bree to make her early debut. The doctors had told us how serious the situation was, and I knew that she wasn't in my care- she was in HIS care.

Each moment that Bree stopped breathing and needed resuscitating, each time my husband's face washed with grief and stress, each time I held my breath watching Bree's monitors I was reminded to Let go.

I remember the first time I felt this tugging when Nate and I moved away from Humboldt County. As I drove down Central Avenue, following the moving van, tears streamed down my face. I wasn't ready to let go. I had fallen in love with the people there, the magnificent redwoods, yoga on the square, and so many other characteristics unique to Humboldt.

Let go.

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, because it isn't a one time event and then you move on, it's a continual opening and releasing. It requires Trust. I have to trust that God is faithful even if we don't ever move back to Humboldt. I have to trust that he is faithful even if he had allowed my little girl to die, or my husband to be overwhelmed with the struggles of life. I have to trust that even if I am in the middle of a storm, that God is faithful--- no matter what.

Bree is out of the "scary phase" now, we are loving just playing, and discovery this new world together. This is a wonderful season, but it means that I must Let go of her in a new way now. She is already so independent (surprise, surprise). She no longer wants to be nursed to sleep, she doesn't need me to be checking on her breathing every five seconds, she no longer needs me to use quiet voices so that she doesn't get over stressed. No my little girl can handle it all now, in fact, she faces the world head on, and I love it!

There comes a time when it is the healthiest choice for the relationship to let go to varying degrees. In the NICU, I had to very literally place my little girl in the arms of Jesus, while I still pray that, nowI must let go in littler ways. Finding new things to enjoy and discover, but holding them lightly in my hand.

I can't take away Nate's stress, or fix every problem for Bree- this wouldn't be good for them or me. No, I must let go. Sometimes, I let go long enough to see the miracle that God has done in my life, by entrusting these two beautiful people for me to love every single day. The blessing I have to enjoy them, for as long as they are with me.

I drink this in.

Nights when Nate and I stay up way too late talking about what leadership really means, or how to love people better.

Bree squealing at the top of her lungs as soon as Dad walks in the room.

The three of us hiking and exploring the world together.

Holding loosely, but drinking it all in.

So take heart, dear friends, God is always faithful.... ALWAYS! He has entrusted wonderful things, and people to you, just remember they aren't really yours. When the unfair arises, when things or people are taken from you- remember to lean into the character of faithfulness.